The more my hair grew out, the curlier it got. By July it had reached my shoulders and was full blown ringlets. For those of you who know me in real life, you can understand as my hair is VERY thick and has always been pine straw straight. The result was that I began to look like Bozo the clown.
My cousin has always cut my hair, so I went to see him and asked if he could cut it short. He said that since my hair grows really fast, he would cut it very short and that would take most of the curl. He also said that if I would wait about 2-3 months before I returned, the next cut would be short and leave me with just a wave. I returned to have my hair cut in November.
When I arrived home I looked in the mirror and cried for the first time since my surgery! I was beginning to look like ME again. There was just one thing left on my list of things to do....breast reconstruction. Finally, I felt like my journey was coming to an end.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The Last Chemo
February 13 was the date of my last chemo. Thank goodness for insurance. I can't imagine what the cost would have been without it. My out of pocket for the treatments because the care went through 2 calendar years was over $8,000.00!
The last treatment went really fast but I knew that it would be three weeks before I would start to feel normal again. That is the bad part about chemo....you start to feel better about 2 days before your next treatment. But...this time there would be no next treatment and I was so looking forward to a continuous improvement in my health. My hair was starting to sprout a little, blood counts were improving and I had somewhat of an appetite.
One month to the day after my last treatment, Emaleigh was born. I was feeling better but in no way was my strength and endurance back to normal. Thank goodness she was a good baby, not fussy at all.
Once she was born, the spark in me ignited! She gave me so much joy and I felt alive for the first time since my diagnosis!
The last treatment went really fast but I knew that it would be three weeks before I would start to feel normal again. That is the bad part about chemo....you start to feel better about 2 days before your next treatment. But...this time there would be no next treatment and I was so looking forward to a continuous improvement in my health. My hair was starting to sprout a little, blood counts were improving and I had somewhat of an appetite.
One month to the day after my last treatment, Emaleigh was born. I was feeling better but in no way was my strength and endurance back to normal. Thank goodness she was a good baby, not fussy at all.
Once she was born, the spark in me ignited! She gave me so much joy and I felt alive for the first time since my diagnosis!
Monday, December 15, 2008
And another shoe falls
During the time between September and November, details are pretty fuzzy. I was out of it most of the time. My blood counts were in the toilet, I had no appetite or energy, I was feeling sorry for myself and life generally sucked. I don't remember the date but it was a Friday night. I was in the bed and my daughter was sitting in the recliner in my bedroom. She stood up and her body turned slightly. OMG...Erika are you pregnant? She started to cry. It seems that she got pregnant right before my surgery and between the mastectomy, chemo, hair loss, etc, she could never find the right time to tell me. Didn't want to make me feel bad when I felt good and didn't want to make me feel worse when I was feeling bad.
I immediately went in to Mommy Mode..have you been to the doctor, are you taking vitamins, are you eating right? The answers were all no. Okay, Momma to the rescue to make it all better. We had to act quick as she was almost 5 months.
On Monday I called the doctor and got her an appt. Everything looked good and they did an ultrasound. Its a GIRL! OMG...I have my eye on the prize now. I know what I am working so hard for. I am going to be a grandmother!
I immediately went in to Mommy Mode..have you been to the doctor, are you taking vitamins, are you eating right? The answers were all no. Okay, Momma to the rescue to make it all better. We had to act quick as she was almost 5 months.
On Monday I called the doctor and got her an appt. Everything looked good and they did an ultrasound. Its a GIRL! OMG...I have my eye on the prize now. I know what I am working so hard for. I am going to be a grandmother!
I lost my breasts, I lost my hair, I lost my job...in that order
But it is not as bad as it sounds. I worked for the government and because of Hurricane Katrina I was detailed to Washington but Gulfport remained my home in the world of government paperwork. Someone forgot to change it...teehee!
When I realized that chemo was going to be so rough and that I needed to be with my family during this time, I started looking at my options. I could apply for a disability retirement BUT if my agency could accommodate my medical needs, the disability would probably by denied.
I started the package and once I had completed my portion, I forwarded it to my supervisor to complete. In his portion my supervisor stated that they could not accomodate me because my position was being ABOLISHED! In the goverment world if they can't help you with a job of the SAME rank/pay/location you are considered unaccomodated. They were replacing my position with a position of LOWER pay! And the new position would be located in Washington. Hot dog!
My application zipped through the system and after FIVE days, I received a letter stating APPROVED!! It normally takes 30-120 days for an application to route through the system.
My retirement pay is 40% of what my normal pay was. A 60% cut is better than a 100% cut. At least I knew that money would be coming in and for now life would remain somewhat normal.
When I realized that chemo was going to be so rough and that I needed to be with my family during this time, I started looking at my options. I could apply for a disability retirement BUT if my agency could accommodate my medical needs, the disability would probably by denied.
I started the package and once I had completed my portion, I forwarded it to my supervisor to complete. In his portion my supervisor stated that they could not accomodate me because my position was being ABOLISHED! In the goverment world if they can't help you with a job of the SAME rank/pay/location you are considered unaccomodated. They were replacing my position with a position of LOWER pay! And the new position would be located in Washington. Hot dog!
My application zipped through the system and after FIVE days, I received a letter stating APPROVED!! It normally takes 30-120 days for an application to route through the system.
My retirement pay is 40% of what my normal pay was. A 60% cut is better than a 100% cut. At least I knew that money would be coming in and for now life would remain somewhat normal.
Hair everywhere...except on my head!
Prior to my first chemo they told me that I would start losing my hair between 17-21 days after the first treatment. They also advised that when it started to come out, just go ahead and shave it off. I thought that was strange but who was I to disagree??
Sunday morning, September 9, I woke up and my head was sore...like the kind of sore you get from a pony tail too tight or from wearing a tight hat. I brushed my hair, felt my head...no hair loss, just soreness. As the day progressed the soreness increased and when I woke up from a nap that afternoon, I noticed hair loss on my pillow. From that point on, my hair was coming out in clumps. It tickled, it itched, it hurt...it was a royal pain in the butt! I know....lets just buzz it off.
Well, you know Murphy's law? Sunday...not one hair place open so we were going to have to buzz it ourselves. Where are the clippers? Hmmm, Frank has them. Find the scissors. Ok, so there I stand in front of the mirror with a pair of scissors just cutting at my head. It looks horrible but it feels so good. As I cut, the soreness in my head magically disappears. My husband uses his nose hair trimmers to even it up as best he can.
The loss of my hair was the most fun we had experienced in weeks. We laughed, we cried...it was so cleansing.
For the first couple of days I tried all types of head coverings but nothing was comfortable and it was so obvious that I was wearing the head coverings to hide my baldness. I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror and it suddenly dawned on me. I was going to make myself uncomfortable trying to hide something that everyone KNEW existed. Forget this....comfort is all I have right now, look out world...here I come...BALD. From that point on, the only time I wore anything on my head was IF there was a draft blowing over my head.
I was ET's sister, big eyes, bald and concave chest!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Whoa...where did THAT come from?
In typical Mom fashion, I faced everything that was being thrown at me with a smile on my face and assuring my family that all would be ok. But you know what? Deep inside of me it wasn't ok and it was bubbling to get out. I did my best to contain it, I tried...I really did.
The days after the surgery are a blur. I wanted to return to normal, problem was...I didn't know what "normal" was anymore. I finally got a phone call that my first visit with the oncologist would be on August 15. Until that time, I could not answer questions that anyone asked me. I know that people want to be helpful but the worse thing you can do for a sick person is to ask them question after question. Will you have to have chemo? Probably so. How long will you have to have chemo? Don't know yet, will have to wait to see IF I have to have chemo. Will you get sick during the chemo? Don't know that I have to have it and haven't had it yet so I don't know. I finally quit answering the phone. I could still feel IT bubbling inside me.
My first visit I came with my husband and sister in tow. Strange thing...I had no questions...I just wanted answers. I could not have asked for a nicer oncologist. He told me everything about my tumor. Less than 1 cm, one positive node, estrogen positive, progesterone positive and HER 2 negative. In the case of breast cancer, positive is good except for HER 2 and there you want to be a BIG negative. Whew...so far so good!
Because I had lost weight and was so tiny he decided that I needed a surgically placed port in my chest. That procedure was scheduled for August 20th...the 21st anniversary of my father's death. First chemo...August 22. He explained what drugs I would receive and for how long, gave me lots to read and told me to call if I needed anything.
Ok...now I had the battle plan, it was time for me to put the "Rachael" touch on it. I read everything I could find on the subject of breast cancer, breast cancer and chemo, surviving chemo. I figured out what I needed to do to prepare my body for battle!
I listened to my body and ate and drank what it told me and when it told me. Avocados and water were the big cravings, juicy fruit and salads. I super-hydrated my body. Come on chemo...I am ready.
I arrived for my first chemo. They drew blood, administered the anti-nausea drugs, IV benedryl and the BIG GUNS...adryamaycin and cytoxen. I felt good...the whole process took about 2 hours and I was fine! I got home and still I felt fine. Dinner time and they asked me what I wanted....Taco Bell! What, they said? You don't like Mexican Food. I laughed and said I guess I do now...that is what my body wants. It later dawned on me that the "spice" was probably what I needed to help fight off the nausea.
The next week I had to return for blood tests. I was one of the unfortunate ones that has their white count whacked out with chemo. I had to get a shot everyday for 5 days. Good news was that I "automatically" qualified for one time only shot the day after my next chemo. Who makes up these stupid rules anyway?
I decided I needed to get some clothes that had easy access to my port, did not show the lack of cleavage and was loose fitting so that I did not feel the need to wear my falsies. JC Penney's here I come...salespersons beware. Yes...it did...It bubbled to the top and spilled out all over the JC Penney salesperson. Bless her heart, to this day she probably doesn't realize what hit her!
The days after the surgery are a blur. I wanted to return to normal, problem was...I didn't know what "normal" was anymore. I finally got a phone call that my first visit with the oncologist would be on August 15. Until that time, I could not answer questions that anyone asked me. I know that people want to be helpful but the worse thing you can do for a sick person is to ask them question after question. Will you have to have chemo? Probably so. How long will you have to have chemo? Don't know yet, will have to wait to see IF I have to have chemo. Will you get sick during the chemo? Don't know that I have to have it and haven't had it yet so I don't know. I finally quit answering the phone. I could still feel IT bubbling inside me.
My first visit I came with my husband and sister in tow. Strange thing...I had no questions...I just wanted answers. I could not have asked for a nicer oncologist. He told me everything about my tumor. Less than 1 cm, one positive node, estrogen positive, progesterone positive and HER 2 negative. In the case of breast cancer, positive is good except for HER 2 and there you want to be a BIG negative. Whew...so far so good!
Because I had lost weight and was so tiny he decided that I needed a surgically placed port in my chest. That procedure was scheduled for August 20th...the 21st anniversary of my father's death. First chemo...August 22. He explained what drugs I would receive and for how long, gave me lots to read and told me to call if I needed anything.
Ok...now I had the battle plan, it was time for me to put the "Rachael" touch on it. I read everything I could find on the subject of breast cancer, breast cancer and chemo, surviving chemo. I figured out what I needed to do to prepare my body for battle!
I listened to my body and ate and drank what it told me and when it told me. Avocados and water were the big cravings, juicy fruit and salads. I super-hydrated my body. Come on chemo...I am ready.
I arrived for my first chemo. They drew blood, administered the anti-nausea drugs, IV benedryl and the BIG GUNS...adryamaycin and cytoxen. I felt good...the whole process took about 2 hours and I was fine! I got home and still I felt fine. Dinner time and they asked me what I wanted....Taco Bell! What, they said? You don't like Mexican Food. I laughed and said I guess I do now...that is what my body wants. It later dawned on me that the "spice" was probably what I needed to help fight off the nausea.
The next week I had to return for blood tests. I was one of the unfortunate ones that has their white count whacked out with chemo. I had to get a shot everyday for 5 days. Good news was that I "automatically" qualified for one time only shot the day after my next chemo. Who makes up these stupid rules anyway?
I decided I needed to get some clothes that had easy access to my port, did not show the lack of cleavage and was loose fitting so that I did not feel the need to wear my falsies. JC Penney's here I come...salespersons beware. Yes...it did...It bubbled to the top and spilled out all over the JC Penney salesperson. Bless her heart, to this day she probably doesn't realize what hit her!
THE ONE
July 9...the date that THE ONE will reveal itself fully. But before we get to that I will tell you about my pre-op appoint with the surgeon.
He finished up with me and I was heading out the exam room door and there was an elderly lady standing at the desk saying...why can't I have the first slot? The lady behind the desk looked up, saw me and said...."because she has already booked it." This elderly lady looked toward me and said "oh my....you have breast cancer, too? I am so scared, are you?" I looked her square in the eyes and said "no, I am not." "There is nothing to be afraid of, we can't change what has happened to us...the only thing we CAN change is HOW we deal with it." She then told me her name and that her surgery was the one immediately after mine. She said she was scared and could she call me. I said sure and gave her my phone number.
She called me several times prior to the surgery, we were 2 doors down from one another in the hospital and to this date we are best of friends..even with the 30 plus year age difference. HE provided me with someone to "take care" when I needed it the most! I do better when I help...I like to give, not receive!
The morning of July 9th arrived and I reported to the hospital with my husband, sister and in-laws in tow. What no one could see, but I was aware of the fact that I had an angel on each shoulder. My momma and daddy! They were with me every step of the way.
The surgeon still felt it was an early cancer but I would have lymph node mapping done prior to surgery. With the mapping done, I headed for the OR. I do not remember anything of the next few hours but started to be aware when I heard the recovery room nurses talking about JCAHO being there for a visit and what did EOC stand for. The first words out of my mouth was "Environment of Care." They starting laughing, here I was post surgery for a double mastectomy and I knew more than they did!
I spent 2 hours in the recovery room and then was sent to the floor. By 2 PM that same day, I was out of the bed with my robe on, dragging the IV pole, no pain meds on board, walking from one end to the other. The nurses were in total amazement. I tried to tell everyone that I push through pain! I bet they will believe me next time!
The day after surgery, my physician came in to tell me that even though it was a less than 1cm tumor, it had already claimed a lymph node! Only one? Great....I can handle that!
I was discharged on day 2, had all drains out by day 4. The only thing that was looming was the visit with the oncologist and what journey I would be about to take!
THE ONE....less than 1 cm with one positive lymph node. I know who I will be fighting against now. Let the battle begin!
He finished up with me and I was heading out the exam room door and there was an elderly lady standing at the desk saying...why can't I have the first slot? The lady behind the desk looked up, saw me and said...."because she has already booked it." This elderly lady looked toward me and said "oh my....you have breast cancer, too? I am so scared, are you?" I looked her square in the eyes and said "no, I am not." "There is nothing to be afraid of, we can't change what has happened to us...the only thing we CAN change is HOW we deal with it." She then told me her name and that her surgery was the one immediately after mine. She said she was scared and could she call me. I said sure and gave her my phone number.
She called me several times prior to the surgery, we were 2 doors down from one another in the hospital and to this date we are best of friends..even with the 30 plus year age difference. HE provided me with someone to "take care" when I needed it the most! I do better when I help...I like to give, not receive!
The morning of July 9th arrived and I reported to the hospital with my husband, sister and in-laws in tow. What no one could see, but I was aware of the fact that I had an angel on each shoulder. My momma and daddy! They were with me every step of the way.
The surgeon still felt it was an early cancer but I would have lymph node mapping done prior to surgery. With the mapping done, I headed for the OR. I do not remember anything of the next few hours but started to be aware when I heard the recovery room nurses talking about JCAHO being there for a visit and what did EOC stand for. The first words out of my mouth was "Environment of Care." They starting laughing, here I was post surgery for a double mastectomy and I knew more than they did!
I spent 2 hours in the recovery room and then was sent to the floor. By 2 PM that same day, I was out of the bed with my robe on, dragging the IV pole, no pain meds on board, walking from one end to the other. The nurses were in total amazement. I tried to tell everyone that I push through pain! I bet they will believe me next time!
The day after surgery, my physician came in to tell me that even though it was a less than 1cm tumor, it had already claimed a lymph node! Only one? Great....I can handle that!
I was discharged on day 2, had all drains out by day 4. The only thing that was looming was the visit with the oncologist and what journey I would be about to take!
THE ONE....less than 1 cm with one positive lymph node. I know who I will be fighting against now. Let the battle begin!
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